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List Of Wedding Telegrams

Rhymes

• May the Blue bird of happiness, not crap all over your wedding cake.
• Love is good. Love is golden. Remember the nights in the old holden...
• Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch installments.
• They were married on the cricket field,
  that night they were quite wicket,
  the bride said with a happy smile,
  I'm sure this can't be cricket.
• A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
• When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
• Marriage is the only lottery
  where you continue to pay for your ticket
  after you have failed to win a prize.
• It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job,
  he still ends up with the same boss.
• Married life is very frustrating.
  In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
  In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
  In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
• A happy marriage is a matter of give and take;
  the husband gives and the wife takes.
• Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
  was until I got married; and then it was too late".
• Marriage is an institution in which
  a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
• Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
• Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.
• Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms,
  soon have arms in woman's sink.
• If you're a man, you'll do it tonight,
  if you're a mouse, you'll do it tomorrow,
  but if you were a rat, you would have done it yesterday.
• She offered her honour,
  He honoured her offer,
  and all night he was on her and off her.
• Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass,
  One long hard route.
• Sex is like Vegemite, Once you get the taste for it,
  You can't leave it alone...
• Sex is like snow. You don't know how many inches you will get.
  Or how long it will last...
• May you have more than a fence running around your yard...
• Hope all your Tries are not converted.
• {bride}'s legs are like the gates of a cemetery -
  they only open to let in a stiff.

Advice

• Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Keep it in use or it will RUST...
• On this night, remember the words of Churchill.
  It shall be long, it shall be hard and there shall be no withdrawal!"
• Don't forget to return your suit when finished...
  (sign it from Local Pawn Shop) (Shops Name)
• Getting married is like buying a washing machine,
  you no longer have to do it by hand.
• Don't buy your bed from Myers they stand behind everything they sell.
• Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.
• Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently
  and She'll last for many years.
• To the bride:
  Remember, the pill always works better when placed between your
  knees...
• If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.
• Remember it's not the stork that brings the babies,
  it's the little larks at night...
• Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring
  or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.
• Please remember that
  Brandy makes you Randy,
  Whisky makes you Frisky,
  but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you pregnant.
• Advice to submariners - if torpedo overheats, load tube,
  go deep and eject.
• "Remember {groom}, your wife is not just an accessory you screw to the bed."
• To: Groom
  If you're snookered on the pink by the red tonight, Pot the brown...
  From the snooker club
• A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you,
  so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you
  play make sure it's at the end of the day.
• Getting married is very much like going to a
  continental restaurant with friends.
  You order what you want,
  then when you see what the other fellow has,
  you wish you had ordered that.
• The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal-
  - a little bit of breast
  - a little bit of leg
  ... and a lot of stuffing !!!
• Go west young man, get up the Darling as far as you can.
• Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days,
  or you will get a Weak End.
• Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in Labor.
• Take heed from those who know
  Tie your nightie to your toes
  Close your eyes - hold your nose
  Then see how it goes...
• Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes,
  'cos you know where the wild goose goes.
• Don't keep him in the dog house too often
  or he might give his bone to the woman next door.
• Don't keep him in the dog house for too long,
  or he might bury his bone some place else...
• Treat him like a flower...
  grab him by the stalk.
• Remember Pearl Harbour... Have fun before the nips come.
• A honeymoon should be like a table...
  Four bare legs and no drawers.
• Dear {groom},
  Remember that {bride} is like a frying pan -
  you have to warm her up before you slip the fat in.
• Dear {groom},
  Hope your wedding night is like the Murray river -
  long and wide, with red gums on either side.
• If you want a little sun and air, Just open the window...

Congratulations

• You are marrying a warm sensuous and sexy woman...
  (from the bride)
• (brides name) You are marrying a Warm, Wonderful,
  Handsome and Intelligent man...
  (Signed the groom)
• Congratulations - rots of ruck - sideways is great.
• We hope that now you are Mr and Mrs (surname).
  You will still come and stay here at the Travel Lodge.
  (from) John & Raylene, Travel Lodge Motel..
• To: Groom
  We are happy for you on this day,
  but hope this will not affect your business with us.
  As you are one of our best clients.
  From (Local Brothel Name)
• From the <local name> football club -
  We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.
• Unable to attend, But will be there soon... (sign it) The Stork...
• Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.
• Sorry I cannot be at Wedding...
  Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom Mounted.
• Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug
• Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may
  I express an appreciation of your determination to end the
  desperation and frustration which has caused you so much
  consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a
  combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
• To {groom} (find the name of an ex girl friend first).
  Please come home Adam, Ben and Fido missing you, all is forgiven.
  Love (ex GF)
• Dear {bride and groom},
  ... standard sort of telegram ...
  Lots of love
  Jim and Dulcie Farkin, and the whole Farkin family.
• Dear {bride and groom},
  ... standard telegram ...
  Love Mike, Ima, Urick and the whole Hunt family.
• To <bride>:
  I know you think <groom> is crazy,
  but I think you'll see he's nuts tonight.
• To The Groom:
  Why for you go marry white girl... Signed: Big Pearl, Moree

Jokes

• Another good gag is to get someone to read a fake newspaper ad,
  About returning the front door key. (from bride name)
  And then get 10 or 15 guys to return there keys...
  You should see the look on some of the grooms faces, It's a good
  laugh...
• A woman was telling her friend,
  "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
  "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
  The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
• A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifiers: "Wife wanted".
  Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
  "You can have mine."
• A little boy asked his father,
  "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
  And the father replied,
  "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
• Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa,
  a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
  Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
• At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
  "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
  The other replied,
  "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
• Why should a honeymoon only be six days?
  Because seven days makes a whole week.
• The bride and groom arrive at the honeymoon motel and the groom
  undressing throws his pants to his wife and says:
  'Put these on'
  'I can't wear those' she replies.
  'That's right' he says. 'And I'll trust you to remember that I'm the one who wears the pants in this family'
  The wife is a little surprised by this but passes it off.
  A little later after she has beautified herself and slipped into her evening attire she returns from the bathroom to see her husband in bed.
  Slipping her panties off and throwing them to her husband she says
  'Put those on'
  'There no way I'd get into those' he states
  'That's right' she follows,
  'and if you don't change your attitude you never will!'
• Standing at the altar, the priest asks the groom
  "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
  "Would you?" asks the groom
  Stunned, the priest replies "No."
  "Then what are you trying to push her on to me for?"
• On the first morning of the honeymoon in Paris,
  the new bride opens the curtains and exclaims
  "The tower's not as big as I thought it would be either."
• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
  "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
  And the husband replied,
  "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

Misc comments

• When a newly married man looks happy we know why.
  But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
• I hope your marriage is like a kitchen table. Four Legs and NO
  Drawers...
• I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.
• And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta,
  because he always had it in for him...
• Now you're in the marriage club, next comes the baby club.
• To the groom:
  I hope your first night together is like a submarine...
  Long, hard and full of seamen !!
• To the groom:
  I home your first night together is like an exploding submarine...
  It goes off with a bang and lots of seamen.
• We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow
  the black leather boots and bull whip ?
• Apparently referring to the difficulty of making ends meet in tough
  economic times, a news headline declares : NEWLYWEDS FACE MOUNTING
  PROBLEMS
• Forecast for Wedding...
  Expected development of Warm front, with extreme
  turbulence and moisture in lower regions.
  Good possibility of six inches overnight.
  Sun is expected later on.
• Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be...
  Firstly, The Marriage Game,
  Followed by, Great Temptation,
  The Untouchables,
  Mission Impossible,
  The Time is Right,
  Rawhide and Bonanza.
• From the staff of Live Show Entertainers, tonight's programs are as
  follows:
  This is your life
  Tarzan meets jane
  Adventures of dirty Dick
  It's a Knockout
  Thunderbirds are go
  Hey Dad
  Eight is Enough
  Silk Stalkings
  From rags to riches
  Sports Tonight
  60 Minutes
  Australia's most wanted:
  Starring <groom> and <bride> the most notorious sex fiends
  Prisoner
  The Great Escape

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